Shocking News

An Upsetting Email
I received some shocking news at work today. A man who had made my life quite miserable for a time had passed away, apparently of a heart attack. I stared at the email, and a range of emotions washed over me.

An Old Boss, a Bad Time
I had worked for him for two years. I worked long, hard hours and probably kept his fledgling business afloat. It was a difficult time. I had high hopes for the company, but as I got to know my boss better, I objected to his ways, and we began to fight. I said things he didn’t want to hear. You could say I "called a spade a spade.” He took offense, but I had my reasons. He said I didn’t respect him. I told him respect was earned. He wanted everyone to work around the clock. But, he didn’t show anyone the books. He complained that we never made enough money. His business partner left him. The place began to feel like a sweat shop.

My boss didn't understand the business he owned, and he was abusive toward us, his employees. He yelled and insulted us. Instead of fostering cooperation, he pitted one against the other. Instead of appreciating the clients I brought in and the inexpensive freelancers I hired, he said the work wasn’t worth much and accused me of just giving work to my friends. Whatever I did, it was wrong, and my job became a no-win situation. And, I came to realize that things wouldn’t change. I knew it was all wrong.

Time to Go
After the first year, his patterns were apparent. But, I decided to give it two years. Would things improve? No, they went from bad to worse. My second anniversary with the company went unacknowledged, except for the yelling, and I planned to leave. I began to remove my personal belongings. I stopped working overtime. I counseled my one editor to find another job. (Yes, she was a friend, and I wasn’t going to leave her there.) I thought about how I would find other work. Would I begin my own business? After all, I ran his business for him; I could certainly run my own. Would I get work? Or, would I interview elsewhere? Could I, without him finding out? Facing his wrath was something I didn’t relish; he thought he owned everyone and would be angry to find out we were jobhunting. He always talked about "company loyalty." He must have been kidding. I couldn’t be without a job, though. My daughter was in college and I had huge tuition bills to pay. How did I get myself into this situation?

Resolution
The situation took care of itself. I think he knew I would no longer take his abuse, and maybe he thought he could hire someone else for less money. I don't know. In any case, I believe he decided to "get rid of me." He could have laid me off and hired someone else, but he didn’t. He accused me of lying to a prospective client and trying to “sabotage his business.” He mentioned his lawyer and the fact that he had a “file” on me. What would he do to me? Sue me? Or, was he just trying to avoid paying unemployment? If I was so bad for his business, why didn't he just fire me, so I could fight it? No, he was harassing me, to force me to quit. Obviously, I was shaken. I had never been accused of such things! I didn’t have another job yet, and didn’t believe I could just quit. With him spreading lies about me, could I even get another job? My doctor put me on tranquilizers. My lawyer said I should quit. Now. I knew he was right, but I couldn’t see how to do it. I guess I needed to take a “leap of faith.”

The hardest thing I’ve ever done was to leave that job. I left without notice. I handed my boss my letter of resignation on a Monday morning, two weeks after he made his accusations. He followed me out of his office, yelling at me all the way. I had brought my husband along, and he watched it all. I wasn’t taking any chances. I packed my last small box and walked out the door. I was always so concerned about my projects, the clients. I had to turn my back on everything, and it nearly killed me. But, the cold air hitting my face as I walked out that door never felt so sweet. I never looked back. After a brief tantrum, he hired someone else, I found another job and started up a freelance business, and life went on for both of us.

Now
After two years, the man still haunted me. I am creating a website for my business. Would he see it? If he had the chance, would he lie to my clients about me? I hated burning bridges with people, especially bosses. It had never happened before, it was ugly, and I was still traumatized by it. In fact, I was just thinking about my old boss when I saw the email.

Now he’s dead. At first I stared at the computer screen, uncomprehending. My peripheral vision closed in, then expanded again. I sat there for a long time. Then, I felt relief. He’s dead. He can’t ever hurt me again. Then I thought of our business trips together, of our talks on trains and in airports. When he was a child, his father beat him. He started his own family late in life, evidently after many failed relationships. He was so proud of his family. His children, especially his son, idolized him. His wife was intelligent, also a breadwinner. He had pulled himself out of the gutter. Now he’s gone, and they’re all grieving. Although he crept into my thoughts often enough, I never once thought about him meeting such an untimely end. But, it made sense. How long can you live with adversity, especially adversity you’ve created? All he wanted was to have a successful business. But, his poor upbringing and old-school ways prevented that, and probably killed him in the end. What will become of the business? What will become of his family? I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for them. He wasn’t a monster, just an unhappy man trying to achieve things the wrong way.

I said a prayer for them all, then got back to my work, my heart a little heavier yet a little lighter at the same time.